We all want each day to be blessed. But what does this really mean? Does it mean that you only want to experience ‘good’ things? What is a ‘good’ experience and how do we know each day was good enough? Something happened to me this week that by most accounts would seem to be very bad. Certainly not a blessing at all. But through this week’s reading, I am strengthened and can see a path to healing that I would not have seen otherwise. Am I grieving…very much so…but I KNOW that in writing about it I will be fully restored and I also know that in reading this you might be as well.
My week has been challenging to say the least. I struggle with the words for this week’s post to be honest. But I have always promised to be REAL in my posts and this one is no different. You see this week I am experiencing a miscarriage. There I said it. It is now public. Something you really prefer not to talk about…But yeah – it happened to me too. So I will raise my hand and be real about it.
A few weeks ago when I learned I was pregnant I was beyond excited. This was something we had planned. After 7 years, we finally felt ready enough to make room in our lives for more than one child. This was a big revelation for me and for my husband. I mean we were too busy, too overwhelmed, and frankly too scared to do this before. And now we were ready. So it was for the Israelites last week at Sinai in Yitro (Exodus 18:1-20:23). They had experienced this major revelation of G-d and were also united this week in Mishpatim (Exodus 21:1 – 24:18) with one voice to take on the challenge of following the divine laws of how they should best relate to one another (not just to G-d but to each other). But are these laws good enough for us today NOW in this time? My Rabbi said today that G-d is in the carpool lane and that He is most certainly in the details. So it is in these details that we find the truth: that our rationalization of what is ‘good’ may not be good enough. So back to my earlier question from the beginning of this post: what is really a blessing or not? Was my miscarriage this week good? Was it a blessing? Hmmm….not quite ‘good enough’ by my own personal judgement but do I really get to decide? I looked up ‘not good enough’ and found the essential oil of Humility to help me out. The other side of ‘not good enough’ is ACCEPTANCE and as I put it on my chest I said: “I express my best”. So even in the darkest moments, G-d is still present and I can only do my best and accept what comes my way with humility and move on toward a goal of becoming a better and more learned Jew.
As for being ready to take on another child in our family I learned another key lesson this week. I can think I am ready. I can believe it all I want. But clearly there is something more for me to learn. I can desire more but is that my own greed talking? I mean 2015 was a fabulous year for us – filled with monetary blessings in our business. Is it really time to ask for MORE? It is pretty much not up to us. It is only with G-d’s blessing that we get more (or less). Again looking at the emotion of GREED I see the other side of that emotion is GIVING. While applying White Angelica to my heart I said: “I am enough” and I felt a weight was lifted. You might be thinking how can wanting another child be greedy? I can see your point but, for this week, this thought process is helpful in allowing me to let go of my control over the situation. We can only control how we respond to a given situation. And as for my expectations? Clearly I had a plan. But G-d has a different plan in mind for our family. I turn to the essential oil blend SARA to manage my expectations. The other side of unmet expectations is APPRECIATING what we have. While applying SARA to my lower abdomen I pray for the strength to be “complete within myself”.
I need to be at peace with what I have right now and see that my daughter is turning 7 years old in a few days. She is the most amazing human being I know right now. She glows and is blossoming into a beautiful young lady. Because of other unforeseen disappointments this week, she was home with me during our loss. She doesn’t know what was going on as she did not know I was pregnant but she was there to comfort me in her own way. I turn to her and think – she is enough. How can I best give more of myself to her?
So there you have it – this is my reality this week. Pure and simple. I appreciate all of your prayers and messages and if I didn’t respond it isn’t because I don’t value your friendship or your love, I just needed time and space to process what was happening. But it isn’t in my nature to suffer in silence and while I fear what may come of sharing something so private so publicly with you, I pray it has helped someone in the process and I ask and implore each of you to not expect anything from me coming out of this. I really do not know what our future plans are nor do I have any control over that.
Wrap up: Oils to add to your prayers
- Humility for Not Good Enough. The other side of not good enough is Acceptance. Say “I express my best” while applying a drop of Humility across the chest.
- White Angelica for Greed. The other side is Giving. Say “I am enough” while applying White Angelica to the heart center.
- SARA for Expectations. The other side is Appreciating. Say “I am complete within myself” while applying SARA to the lower abdomen.
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